Do you know what a VICTIM (man, woman or child) of abuse, neglect, trauma or abandonment does NOT need to hear from you or anyone?
They do not need you to inform them “it made you stronger”, “it could have been worse”, “you’re better off without them”, “what you went through helped shape who you’ve become”, “you need to let it go”, “you need to move on”, “stop living in the past”.
Do you know what they were? They were a VICTIM and those ignorant statements give validation and acceptance to that abuse. It conveys the impression and/or the belief that the victim either deserved what they went through or that they HAD to go through it in order to be who they are today. They DIDN’T and they SHOULDN’T have.
What they did is they survived in spite of what happened….they refused to give in or to give up ……..they kept moving forward through something most people cannot come close to understanding….and I can almost guarantee that it is something they continue to fight on a regular-if not daily- basis. Whether it is apparent to anyone on the outside looking in or it is pain, fear, and demons they fight internally that no one ever sees. Trust me, the demons are still being fought.
If you don’t know what to say because you cannot fathom what they went through (and trust me, you cannot if you did not), do not diminish the feelings they still feel. Acknowledge them by focusing on what they have overcome and survived.
“I am so proud of you for never giving up”, “I am so amazed at how much you have accomplished in spite of all of the pain you went through “, “I am so incredibly sorry that anyone ever felt like they had a right to hurt you”, “I am so glad I have a chance to know you and love you exactly the way you are – on your good days and your bad days and every day in between “, “I am so glad that you are here and that you are you”, and perhaps most importantly, “I am hear to listen no matter what you need to say, no matter if I can understand or not, or give you advice or not….I will always listen and love you just the same” .
If you cannot do that…do them a favor and just don’t say anything.
© Heather Graham and HKGRAHAM 2022 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Heather Graham and HKGRAHAM with appropriate and specific direction to the original content
hkgraham 
It occurred to me after reading your post that having lived through childhood trauma myself – I used to used phrases like ‘it could have been worse’ and ´You’re stronger having lived through it’ in my own self talk.
I’m not sure when the change happened – somewhere in my 40’s?? but the phrases like ‘ I am worthy of being loved on my good days and bad and every day in between ‘ finally became truth.
Love your post Heather
Love you!
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Thank you 💗 love you too
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