Do you know what happens to someone who lives every day of their life with the effects of PTSD….when out of the blue something they witness triggers a flashback? It doesn’t matter if it was war, or violence, or a sudden traumatic life event, or if it was like my life …..and it was years and years of abuse that no one ever saw… .that no one could ever imagine…but verbal and emotional, physical abuse, yelling and belittling … constantly being reminded you are not and never will be good enough…abuse that escalated so quickly that you almost lost your life …abuse that left a trail of pain in it’s wake, not just for you, but for your children that you would give your life for…that you love more than your life itself, abuse that no sane person could ever possibly understand.
Do you understand the fear? The knot in their stomach. ..the pain…. the way they try and will their brain to remember that this is today…it’s not back than… you’re ok… you’re safe. .. everything is going to be fine. You’re really truly ok.
But the brain…. the brain has other plans…. the brain regresses… I can’t say I know why… I wish I did so I could stop it. . I just know that it does because I live it. And in the last 24 hours I have lived it more than I have in such a long time. I am grateful it is not often. ..but when it does it throws me. Fundamentally I feel safe, I feel strong, I feel loved, and I feel ok. But in those moments….when time stands still …no when time goes backwards….and I feel trapped, and scared, and confused….in those moments when I am afraid, I wonder …does it EVER really go away?
But tomorrow… that’s another day…and once again, I will get up…I will rise from the ashes…and I won’t just be ok… if I know anything…I know that I will get through my fear…and when I get back up…you can count on one thing…I will rise up as the whole damn fire🔥🔥🔥
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