Dictionary Definition of FEAR: A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain etc, whether the threat is real or imagined, the feeling or condition of being afraid.
Sometimes the things we fear the most are intangible things that are in direct relation to past experiences. We fear trust because in trusting we have been hurt. We fear love, because likewise, love has shown us its ugly side where words are said but actions speak so much louder that we learn to doubt anything we are told. Love and pain become so closely connected because for so long, anything shown to us in the name of love always has control and manipulation and abuse attached to it. We fear our own judgment, our own ability to see clearly what is happening in our lives. We want to believe, to take things at face value, to trust if we are given no reason not to. Yet that overwhelming fear creeps in … and we hesitate … and we allow walls built from pain and abuse stay up – or come back up – to protect what little bit of our heart we have managed to salvage. We back away, and become emotionally guarded, for fear that once again we could be wrong.
We are survivors … and we know that nothing we can go through today will compare to what we’ve lived through … and yet, we fear what we have never seen…what we have never felt…what we sometimes question if even exists….and we fear that we will never know we are wrong for trying to believe until it’s too late.
And we fear most of all that the damage that has been done cannot be completely healed – that it will ruin any chance that we will live a normal healthy life. We are not broken – but we are damaged….and every day of our lives we attempt to rise above that damage, to heal ourselves, to trust and believe, and move on. It’s a daily struggle that most cannot possibly understand and much of it is battled internally. But it is there, just under the surface, and the overwhelming truth of it all is that we don’t want to be afraid, we don’t want to need reassurance, and we don’t want to let fear control who we are or what we do.
But there are simply days when it does…and on those days, we are left to somehow hang on, to fight through it, and to know that this too will pass, and when it does, we will emerge even stronger and more determined…because we are definitely not broken …. And we will never be held down by fear for long.
❤ HKG 4/4/12 ❤
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